


Magnetic

by JeanJacquesFrancois



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: HIV/AIDS, M/M, WorldAIDSDay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-04 08:30:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5327441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeanJacquesFrancois/pseuds/JeanJacquesFrancois
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loras drops round just a few days later and Renly is as pleased as anything to see him standing there on his doorstep in the snow, wrapped up in a big coat and a woolly scarf. The snow isn’t settling but more than a few flakes have found their way into his curls, dusting the top of his head like frosting on a cake. </p>
<p>“Hey Ren,” he says, his breath condensing in the cold air. “I’m glad you’re in.” </p>
<p>Renly grins and ushers him into the warm. “Any reason for the visit?”</p>
<p>Loras wipes his feet on the doormat. “Yeah actually,” he says quietly. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

1st December 2015

Brienne is still in front of her class when Renly arrives. She blushes when she sees him but continues stretching, turning her back to the middle aged ladies so that they can mirror her movements properly.

Most of her class have flushed faces and slightly wet t-shirts from exertion but Brienne hasn’t even broken a sweat. Her blue cotton polo shirt (never lycra) is still pristine and fresh, ironed to perfection.

They finish on the hour and she jogs over as the ladies pack up their things.

“Good class?” Renly asks when she’s close enough to hear.

Brienne shrugs. “Yeah. I prefer the older ladies actually.”

Renly knows why. The young women are put off by the sight of Brienne. They come to the gym to become lean and toned, to look like Cameron Diaz and Miranda Kerr, not to build more muscle than the average rugby player. It’s for this reason that he knows Dany usually takes the younger women.

“Want to get some food?” Brienne asks. She doesn’t wait for an answer and leads Renly down the shiny white corridor to the staff canteen. This is their Tuesday routine and there is no reason to deviate from it.

The canteen is busy as usual and Renly waves at those he knows. There’s little Arya who runs the remarkably violent self-defence classes, and the very bendy Arianne who sees to the yoga. Dany too is stood by the water fountain with her long platinum hair pulled up in a bun but Renly doesn’t get the chance to wave to her. She’s stood with Jaime, the manager who ruthlessly teases Brienne whenever he sees her, and Brienne takes early action to avoid him, hiding behind Sandor and Gregor Clegane until he turns his head. The two brothers who run the weightlifting are easily big enough to hide even Brienne from Jaime’s mocking gaze.

They’ve just made it to the sanctuary of the corner when Renly’s attention is caught by a vision in a red polo shirt.

“Who is that?” he breathes, unable to stop staring.

Brienne looks. “Oh that’s Loras.”

Renly has to put his tongue back inside his mouth. “And who’s _Loras?”_

“He’s a fitness instructor here like me.”

Renly nods slowly, letting his eyes rove from the soles of black trainers all the way up to the tips of very curly hair. “And why don’t I usually see him?”

“Well he does the aquacise classes over at the pool in the mornings,” Brienne tells him. “Usually he eats with the lifeguards. I guess it’s easier like that.”

Renly nods again. “What are aquacise classes?”

“Exercise in water,” Brienne says glumly, and Renly wonders if she’s picturing herself in a swimsuit. “There’s a six month waiting list for his female classes.”

Renly grins. “I can see why. He is _hot._ ”

Brienne shrugs, turning her face down to her food. “A bit up himself though. He’s like Jaime; he knows he’s pretty.”

Renly smiles. He and Brienne aren’t on the same page here. Where she sees arrogant, he merely sees confident. He supposes that’s the downside of having worked in law for so long. “How old?” he asks. It’s hard to tell from across the room.

“Late twenties?”

Renly grins. That’s only a few years younger than him. “Perfect. I love a toy boy.”

Brienne runs a hand anxiously through her short blonde hair. “Yes but stop staring,” she hisses. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Well is he gay?”

“I’m not sure actually,” Brienne admits. “I wouldn’t be surprised. But I’ve never seen him with a boyfriend or anything.”

Renly chews on his bottom lip. He doesn’t know what to make of that but he’s never been easily put off. “Well I’ll go find out,” he decides.

Brienne tugs on his sleeve as he gets up. “Don’t! I have to work with this guy.”

Renly ignores her and picks his way over all the same. His approach doesn’t go unnoticed and he wants to hi-five someone when the guy turns away from the vending machine he was previously occupied by. There’s a curious look on his handsome face.

“Hey,” Renly says, chancing a smile. “So my friend Brienne tells me you do the aqua… the aquaphase classes here.”

The guy cocks his eyebrow but it’s clear that he’s amused. “The aquacise classes?” he prompts.

“Yeah, those,” Renly grins. He has no shame and he’s proud of it. “I love those. They’re my favourite.”

The guy’s smile widens. “Sure they are.” He clearly doesn’t believe a word.

“Well they are,” Renly tells him. “I just love exercise. And water.”

The guy smiles, leaning back against the vending machine lazily. “You know,” he says, tucking a lock of wet curly hair behind his ear, “if you want my number, you could always ask for it.”

Renly laughs. “I was going to but Brienne didn’t know whether you’d be interested in a guy.”

Loras glances over at Brienne. “So she does live under a rock,” he laughs. “We often wonder.” Smirking, he reaches into a pocket in his polo shirt, pulling out a business card.

 

10th December 2015

They choose a nearby bar for their first date and Renly gets there early. It’s been a long time since he’s felt nervous before a first date but his palms are undeniably a little sweaty as he waits.

Loras looks as good as he remembers. Better even now that he’s out of the red polo shirt and his hair is dry. Chocolate brown and very curly, it falls to the bottom of his ears and into his eyes. It’s endearing the way he flicks it off his face and just a little arousing too.

“So how long have you worked at the gym?” Renly asks once they’ve ordered drinks (a gin and tonic for him and a fruit juice for Loras).

Loras laughs and it’s warm and bright. “Four years maybe. I came a few months after Brienne.”

“And you do the aqualize classes?”

“The aquacise classes,” Loras corrects, rolling his eyes. “Yeah I do. But I do other stuff too. Resistance training, cardio, that sort of thing.”

“Brienne tells me there’s quite a wait for your female classes…”

Loras grins. “Yeah,” he laughs. “There is. But it’s not all glamorous. I do classes for old biddies too. And very very fat people. Water is great for those sort of groups because it’s low impact.”

Renly smiles. It’s amazing how the right guy can make him interested in something as dull as exercise.

He’s torn between disappointment and excitement when the bell rings for last orders and he leans over the table eagerly. “My place is just round the corner…” he murmurs. “You want come over?”

A strange expression flickers across Loras’ face. “I’d love to,” he says. “But I’ve got early classes tomorrow and I don’t have any of my stuff.”

Renly can’t hide his disappointment.

“I’d like a second date though,” Loras says quickly.

Renly grins. He wants to take him home but he’ll settle for a second date. The chemistry is certainly there after all and it’s very rare that he’s this taken with anyone.

 

January 2016

Renly quickly learns that Loras always has an excuse. He’s either too tired or he has a headache or he needs to get back for his sister’s cat. There is always a reason why staying over is never plausible or sensible.

Renly tries to be understanding, tries to be patient. By their ninth date though, he thinks that he’ll have to wank in the taxi home if Loras doesn’t agree to go home with him. He’s the most gorgeous man Renly has ever dated and he wants him more than he can put into words.

And perhaps he’s very obvious about it, for Loras shrugs tonight when he’s invited back, no excuse ready on the tip of his tongue for once.

His earlier reluctance doesn’t add up in the taxi home. His tongue is in Renly’s mouth and his hands are knotted in his hair. It’s only out of half-hearted respect for the driver and the plush leather seats that nothing else happens.

They barely make it up to Renly’s bedroom though before they’ve got all their clothes off. Looking back down the staircase, Renly is glad that he lives alone. Garments litter the stairs behind them and his shirt is hanging haphazardly from one of the bannisters. Loras’ shirt meanwhile lies in a puddle right at the bottom.

It’s far too expensive a shirt to be strewn across the floor so but Renly doesn’t care. He’s got all of Loras’ clothes off now and he isn’t disappointed. He has to wonder in fact why he never thought to pick up _all_ of his previous partners at the gym. Loras puts him to shame. He’s toned and muscled in all the right places and Renly wants to kiss every inch of him. He starts at his chest, inching downwards with as much patience as he can muster.

“Wait,” Loras shudders out though, arching his back off the bed in pleasure. “You’ve got condoms right?”

“Later,” Renly murmurs against his stomach. “I want to give you head first.” He licks a long hot stripe down towards his navel.

Loras gasps but he tugs on Renly’s hair all the same. “Condoms,” he repeats.

He’s serious, Renly realises, and he reaches into his bedside drawer for a condom without any more fuss. Never before in his thirty-two years has he been with a guy who insisted on using protection for oral but he supposes he shouldn’t be too surprised. It’s the sort of thing to be expected from a teetotal fitness freak.

The latex doesn’t taste good in the slightest but Renly tries not to care. He’ll buy some flavoured ones for next time. It’s almost more strange when they swap over. The sensation is dulled somewhat and it just doesn’t feel right. Loras clearly knows what he’s doing though and it’s perhaps testament to his skill and good looks that Renly finds himself approaching his peak surprisingly quickly.

“We should stop if we want to do anything else,” Renly pants breathlessly. He’s not eighteen anymore after all.

Loras glances up at him, a hand wrapping around his cock that’s warm even through the latex. “That’s okay,” he breathes. “We can stop here for tonight.” He doesn’t give Renly a chance to either object or agree to that and within moments, his mouth is on him again and Renly is spilling into Durex’s finest.

“That was good,” Renly sighs when he recovers the ability to speak.

Loras doesn’t say anything.

Renly props himself up on his elbows. “You didn’t think so?”

Loras smiles but it’s strangely forced, as if his thoughts are elsewhere. “Course.”

 

20th January 2016

Loras drops round just a few days later and Renly is as pleased as anything to see him standing there on his doorstep in the snow, wrapped up in a big coat and a woolly scarf. The snow isn’t settling but more than a few flakes have found their way into his curls, dusting the top of his head like frosting on a cake.

“Hey Ren,” he says, his breath condensing in the cold air. “I’m glad you’re in.”

Renly grins and ushers him into the warm. “Any reason for the visit?”

Loras wipes his feet on the doormat. “Yeah actually,” he says quietly. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Sure.” Renly nods and leads him into the living room. He wishes he’d tidied. “What’s the matter?”

Loras sighs heavily, pacing. He seems trapped in his own thoughts somewhat and he gestures to the sofa a little distractedly. “Can I sit down?” he asks.

“Sure you can.” Renly sits too. He’s spent a lot of time with Loras between their nine dates and his Tuesday lunches with Brienne at the gym and he’s never seen him this wound up. “So what is it you want to tell me?”

Loras unwinds his scarf slowly from around his neck before he answers and then he glances up, meeting Renly’s eye. “Well,” he says slowly, a strange weight behind his words, “this probably won’t be easy for you to hear but I guess what I wanted to tell you, what I _need_ to tell you, is that I’m HIV positive.”

Renly blinks. “What?” he asks.

Loras turns his face to the wall. “You heard,” he says stiffly. “Don’t make me say it again.”

Renly swallows painfully. He’s not sure what to say. He likes Loras; he likes him a lot. But he wasn’t supposed to be HIV positive. There’s so many gay men with HIV but Loras was never supposed to be one of them.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he breathes.

Loras shrugs. “Well it wasn’t an issue when we weren’t having sex. And I find it’s better to sort of _get to know_ people a bit before telling them.” He meets Renly’s eye again then and there’s a silent plea in his gaze. “That way I’m a person, you know. Not just some random stranger who has HIV and who’s not a part of their lives.”

Renly bites on his lip. He can see why Loras didn’t tell him. He’s not sure he’d have asked him out if he’d known though. That realisation makes him feel like a terrible person but it’s the sad truth.

Loras reaches into his bag when he doesn’t say anything. “I brought some stuff actually,” he murmurs, “stuff for you to read.” He looks up and waits before pushing it across the coffee table. The neatly stapled wad of paper has Renly’s name written at the top and carefully highlighted sections. Clearly a lot of time has been put into it.

Renly stares down at it a little blankly. There are a lot of long words highlighted; long words he doesn’t understand and has no wish to understand. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “But I can’t.”

Loras looks up at him again, pushing the paper a little further towards him. “You don’t want think about it? he asks quietly. “Maybe mull it over a little?”

Renly sighs, putting his head in his hands. “That would just be stringing you along, Loras. I want to tell you that it’s not an issue, and I’m sorry if that makes me a terrible person, but I just can’t.”

For a few moments Loras is silent. And then the neatly stapled sheets of paper are slid back into his bag as if they were never brought out. “It’s alright,” he says eventually. “Don’t beat yourself up. I understand.”

“You do?”

“Course I do,” Loras sighs. “It’s a big deal and whether you can cope with it is your decision and your decision alone. And I’m used to it. I’ll get over it.”

Renly gulps. “You’re used to it?” He feels like a knife has twisted in his chest.

“Yeah,” Loras admits. “You’re not the first man to tell me this. And you won’t be the last either.”

“I’m so sorry,” Renly repeats. It’s all he can seemingly manage to say.

“And it’s okay,” Loras smiles. “It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“Well I guess you were my favourite out of all the guys who’ve told me this.” Getting to his feet, he winds his scarf back around his neck and turns to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

23rd January 2016

There are no more calls or texts after that and Renly feels more than a little awkward the next time he goes to the gym to see Brienne. He can only comfort himself with the fact that Loras is well aware now that he always meets Brienne on a Tuesday and that in light of this, he’ll have probably chosen to make himself scarce.

He realises he hoped for too much as soon as he and Brienne round the corner into the canteen though. Loras is sitting alone at one of the tables, his curly head turned away from them.

Brienne makes to head in that direction and it’s Renly’s turn to tug desperately on her arm. “No,” he hisses. “Not there.”

Brienne cocks her head. “Are you not seeing Loras anymore?” she asks, her bright blue eyes wide. “How come?”

“It’s a long story,” Renly sighs. He feels lucky that he’s with Brienne and not another of his friends; she won’t prod for details like the others.

Indeed, she turns away obediently and Renly thinks that they’ve got away with it when she nabs them their usual seats tucked right into the corner. They’ve barely picked up their cutlery though when a shadow falls over them.

Renly knows it’s Loras even before he glances up. A knife twists in his chest to see that Loras doesn’t look good today. There are dark circles beneath his eyes and his shirt isn’t even ironed. Renly gets the awful feeling that this is his fault, that his rejection was taken hard.

Loras puts his hand on Renly’s shoulder. “Could I have a word?” he says stiffly.

Renly doesn’t want to but he rises all the same. “Sure,” he murmurs. He tries to ignore Brienne’s eyes on him as he follows Loras out into the corridor.

Loras waits until they’re in a deserted alcove before he speaks and even then it’s in a hushed whisper. “I just wanted to ask you a favour,” he says. “If that’s not too much to ask.”

Renly runs a hand anxiously through his hair. “Course it’s not.”

“Well I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t mention what I told you to anyone here.”

“Sure,” Renly agrees. “Sure.”

Loras looks a little relieved. “Thanks.”

Renly chews awkwardly on the inside of his cheek. “Do you not tell people then?” he asks.

Loras shrugs, rubbing at his tired eyes. “Well people can be funny about it,” he says eventually. “I work in water and a lot of people are very misinformed about how I can pass it on. It wouldn’t be good for business, you know.”

“Sure,” Renly agrees again. He wants to be outraged that people still have such outdated misconceptions but he thinks it will come out sounding a little hypocritical now.

There’s an awkward silence then and Loras scuffs the floor with the toe of his trainers. “Well that’s all I wanted to say really.”

Renly nods. “Well I should probably be getting back to Brienne,” he mumbles. Silently, he makes his way back down the corridor, trying desperately to ignore the fact that he can still feel Loras’ eyes on his back.

Jaime has located Brienne by the time that Renly returns and he smirks wickedly up at him as he sits down. Brienne’s in luck; he’s clearly decided to switch targets.

“So what’s wrong with the boy?” Jaime asks with a cocked eyebrow. “His waiting lists are almost as long as mine but he can never seem to hold down a guy. Is he an idiot behind closed doors or something?”

Renly just shrugs and turns his face down to his food. He’s never felt so ashamed in his life. Loras _isn’t_ an idiot behind closed doors; it’s just that Renly isn’t the man he always thought he was.

___________

Seeing him has made it worse. Renly can’t think of anything else all day. More than anything, he’s so disappointed in himself that he wants to cry. He doesn’t think HIV positive men should be stigmatised like this but it’s different when it’s his own life affected. It’s an awful case of nimbyism and Renly doesn’t want to be like that.

He can’t distract himself no matter how busy he makes himself at work and it’s only just gone six when he caves and has Brienne look up Loras’ address on the gym’s internal database.

Loras takes a while to answer the door. He’s in pyjama bottoms and an oversized jumper and quite frankly, looks even more of a mess than he did earlier. His hair is even a little frizzy as if might have been inadvisably brushed.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. He seems unashamed of the fact that he’s in his pyjamas so early and he glares at Renly a little suspiciously.

“Well you seemed a little down today,” Renly manages, feeling his cheeks flush pink in the cold air. “I was worried I’d upset you.”

Loras shrugs. “It’s fine.”

“You sure?” Renly asks. “Jaime said you don’t have boyfriends often. And you’re a great guy. It shouldn’t be like that for you.”

Loras stiffens. “Well yeah,” he says, fiddling irritably with the chain on the door. “Even gay guys aren’t too chuffed about the HIV thing. But it’s okay. There’s other routes I can go down.”

He hasn’t been invited in but Renly steps over the doorstep anyway. “Like what?” he asks.

Loras pauses, and then he clearly decides that Renly’s presence in his home is tolerable and closes the door. “Well there are dating websites for people like me,” he says softly. “You know, where positive guys can meet other positive guys.”

Renly bites his lip. That doesn’t make him feel any less awful. Loras is handsome; he’s _nice_ \- if a little prickly. He shouldn’t have to search high and low to find a guy who will stand by him. He shouldn’t have to sign up to a special website just to be sure of getting a date. He should have his pick of the crop.

Perhaps the expression on his face is telling, for Loras looks at him a little curiously.

“I was just about to eat actually,” he says quietly. “Would you fancy joining? Just as friends I mean.”

It turns out to only be an oven pizza that he’s having but Renly joins him nevertheless. He’s not quite sure why he’s here really, but as he sits across from Loras at his kitchen table, he has to wonder whether he’s overreacted. Loras’ flat is just like any other single man’s flat. There’s no stacks of medication anywhere, not a single sign in fact that the life Loras leads is any different from his own.

Renly takes a deep breath after he’s swallowed down his last mouthful of pizza. “Loras?” he murmurs.

“What?”

“Well, hypothetically speaking, if we did date, what would be different?”

Loras puts down his knife and fork slowly, his expression a little guarded. “Well we’d never be able to not use condoms,” he offers.

Renly nods heavily. “Are you still capable of passing it on then?”

“Theoretically,” Loras tells him. “Though it’s unlikely with all the drugs I’m on. Very unlikely actually, even if we did throw caution to the wind and have unprotected sex.”

Renly says nothing. He knows he certainly wouldn’t ever want to gamble with those dice.

“And there’s protection against it, you know,” Loras adds. “There’s preventative drugs for people at high risk of transmission. And emergency stuff you can take that is sort of like a morning after pill except that you have to take it for a whole month.”

Renly thinks he’s read about these in magazines and he has to admit that they make the whole idea a little less scary. “And you, you’re _well_ , right?”

Loras is quiet for a few moments and then he shrugs. “I was diagnosed very late,” he admits quietly, “which isn’t good. But at the moment I’m not too bad. My CD4 count- my immune system I mean- well it isn’t the best but I’m careful. I don’t drink, or smoke, or do drugs. ” He runs a hand through his hair. “But I will be on medication for the rest of my life. There’s no escaping that.”

“But it’s good, the medication? Isn’t it?”

Loras nods. “It’s pretty good. I’ll live much longer on this medication than I would without it.”

“But it might become AIDs eventually?” It’s an awful question to ask but Renly feels he has to ask it.

Loras rubs at his eyes. “It might,” he admits. “Eventually. Antivirals are good but they’re not a cure. But I can’t dwell on that. That could be forty or fifty years into the future. Something else might get me first, I might get run over by a bus or drown in the swimming pool.”

Renly allows himself a wry smile. “But presuming you don’t get hit by a bus or drown in your swimming pool, your life expectancy isn’t much different is it?”

Loras shrugs. “The figures quoted vary. Some say sixty-five, some say seventy. Some say it’s literally no different. Depends on so many things, and I did a whole five years without any treatment.”

Renly nods a little uncertainly. He’s not sure that’s good. He knows early diagnosis is important. At the same time though, even the fearful part of him can’t deny that HIV seems suddenly a lot less scary in the bright, warm light of Loras’ kitchen.

 

15th February 2016

The pool is almost overflowing with young women this evening- all in very few clothes- but it’s their instructor that Renly is watching. Stood in the shallow end with the water up to his waist, Loras’ wet curls are falling over his face and his red polo shirt is clinging to him deliciously. It’s almost like watching a male version of Baywatch.

Loras meets his eye then across the pool and Renly knows that he’s made the right decision. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget how widely Loras smiled when he said that they could give it a go and that same spark is back in his eyes right now.

“It appears we have a spectator,” Loras says wickedly to his class, and giggling, they all turn round to look. As soon as they catch sight of Renly, a current seems to go round the pool. They’re all adjusting their bikinis and rearranging their wet hair so that it falls elegantly around their faces.

Renly gives them a wave. His brother, he knows, would be drooling into the pool if he’d been in his shoes.

Loras cocks his head. “Well are you going to join in or not?”

Renly looks down at the suit he’s wearing. “Not quite dressed for it,” he laughs.

Mock disappointment paints itself across Loras’ face. “Which is a pity, isn’t it, girls? I bet he’s just shy.”

They all laugh at his words and Renly smiles. They’re clearly all more than a little infatuated with him and Renly wonders if they’d view him differently if they knew. He hopes not.

 

24th February 2016

The first time they have sex, Renly is inexplicably terrified. He knows he’s being silly, that it’s impossible for Loras to pass on the virus while he’s wearing a condom, but he still finds himself gripped by an irrational sense of fear all the same.

He checks the condom constantly, but rather than assuaging his fear, it just makes him feel guilty. Loras is stung; that much is obvious. His eyes are narrowed and he’s clearly taking every hesitation to heart.

“You know,” Loras says quietly when Renly pulls out for the fifth time. “If you’re so worried, PrEP is always an option for you.”

Renly sighs. They’ve talked about the preventative drugs several times now and he still doesn’t think he wants to resign himself to taking medication every day. “That seems overkill,” he mumbles.

“Well then stop acting like I’m dirty and fuck me,” Loras snaps.

Renly blinks. He doesn’t need telling twice.

 

2nd December 2016

It’s been almost year and yet it’s only when he’s standing outside the HIV clinic that it hits Renly like a ton of bricks. He and Loras are _serious_ , serious enough for Renly to be coming with him to see the HIV consultant and discuss how they’re going to manage their situation in the long term.

The doctor is a smiley man in glasses and he welcomes Loras in like he’s an old friend. Presumably he is in some ways, as according to Loras, they’ve been seeing each other since Loras was first diagnosed four years ago.

“You must be Renly,” he says. He extends a hand for Renly to shake.

Renly grins and takes the chair offered. “I’ve been mentioned have I?”

“Oh yes,” the doctor laughs. “Lots. All good, I promise.”

That makes Renly’s heart swell and he reaches for Loras’ hand. It’s hard to remember a time when he thought him not worth the risk.

The doctor sits down too, his eyes on their clasped hands. “So you’re my newest serodiscordant couple, are you?”

Loras rolls his eyes. “I prefer magnetic.”

The doctor merely laughs and reaches for a sheet that’s on his desk. “So how are you feeling, Loras?”

“Fine.”

The doctor is clearly used to Loras’ characteristically blunt answers and he simply glances down at the sheet. “Well I can tell you nothing much has changed. You’re still undetectable.”

Loras allows himself a smile. “And my CD4 count? Normal yet?”

“Not yet.” The doctor turns to Renly then as if he can perhaps tell that Renly finds that piece of information frightening. “Loras started treatment with a very low CD4 count,” he explains. “It takes a long time for the levels to recover.”

Renly nods, squeezing Loras’ fingers tightly. “But they will recover eventually, right?”

The doctor smiles. “I expect so.” He puts the sheet down. “And yourself, have you had a HIV test since being with Loras?”

Renly wants to roll his eyes. “Yes,” he says as politely as he can though. “I have. And it’s negative.”

“Good,” the doctor agrees. “Now Loras did mention Truvada last time he was here. Is that something the two of you still might be interested in?”

Loras turns to Renly then; he clearly knows that none of that will mean anything to him. “Truvada is the brand name for those pills that protect against HIV transmission.”

“Oh those.” Renly runs a hand through his hair; he hasn’t actually given those much thought recently. “Do you think I need to take them?”

The doctor pushes his glasses a little further down the bridge of his nose. “If you use condoms and Loras continues taking his medication properly, then there’s no real _need_ to. The risk is minimal.” He pauses. “But some couples can find it eases some of the anxiety that comes with being a mixed status couple.”

Renly looks down at his and Loras’ entwined hands. He knows exactly where the doctor is coming from there but he’s finding it easier and easier if he’s honest. He trusts Loras now and he knows beyond a doubt that Loras would never do anything to put him at risk.

___________

It’s late when they get out of the clinic and they head straight back to Loras’ flat without even discussing whether Renly wants to stay over or not. More than often it’s taken for granted nowadays and there’s something nice about that, Renly reckons.

It’s bitterly cold outside and they climb straight into bed as soon as they’ve bundled themselves through the front door. It’s been a tiring day after all and Loras at least has spent the last hour having needles prodded into his arm to try and get a blood sample.

“Loras,” Renly asks as they pull the covers and blankets over their shoulders. “How did you _get_ HIV?”

Loras stifles a yawn. “From a guy.”

Renly rolls his eyes. “Really?” he asks dryly. “And here was me thinking that you were secretly from a low income family in Swaziland.”

Loras sticks his tongue out at him. “I could have been an intravenous drug user or something?”

Renly snorts. He’s never heard anything less likely. “So a one night stand?” he asks.

“Nah. A boyfriend.”

“And you guys didn’t use protection?”

Loras rolls his eyes, hugging a pillow to his chest. “What do you think, Ren?”

“Well why not then?” Renly clarifies. He’s always been sensible enough to use condoms; it rather surprises himself that Loras wasn’t.

Loras shrugs, rolling over onto his back. “We were exclusive and we didn’t think it was a big deal. He didn’t know he had anything.”

Renly buries further under the covers. It’s hard to imagine Loras with someone else other than him and he loops his arms around his middle, not caring that it might seem a little clingy. “How old were you?” he murmurs.

“Not quite sure,” Loras sighs. He clearly doesn’t care about the clinginess, for he curls happily enough into Renly’s chest. “Somewhere between seventeen and twenty.”

“And when were you diagnosed?”

“When I was twenty five.” Loras’ voice is muffled against Renly’s pyjama top; he’s clearly ready for sleep.

“Did you have symptoms or something?”

Loras shrugs, consenting to raise his head. “Not really actually,” he tells him. “I ought to have done with how ridiculously low my CD4 count was. I only went in to get tested though when I got this random call from a clinic. Turned out my ex had got diagnosed and they were notifying all his previous partners.”

Renly sighs, holding him tight. “It must have been awful.”

Loras shuts his eyes. “It was pretty awful,” he admits. “I was so convinced that I was invincible. I was speechless when I got the result.”

It’s strange to imagine Loras being frightened of anything and Renly winces. Loras may be the one with HIV but he’s by far the stronger of the two of them.

“I mean, it turned my life upside down,” Loras continues. “Telling my parents was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Renly has met Loras’ parents and this doesn’t surprise him. They seemed the type to worry about their children. “How’d they take it?

“Well they were shattered. And frightened I guess. My CD4 count was 92 when I was diagnosed, low enough by far to constitute AIDs. They still remember the eighties and they thought I was going to die.” He laughs a little wryly. “They calmed down once I was on treatment but I mean they still worried. They felt like my future had disappeared if you get what I mean. I’d been healthy and popular and all of a sudden I was sick and guys didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Those words sting and Renly buries his head in the pillow, thoroughly ashamed.

“Yeah,” Loras laughs, a hand coming up to lazily rifle through Renly’s hair. “But you’re the one who changed your mind.”

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a friend living with HIV and for World AIDS Day.


End file.
